


Weighing Options

by j_philly_b



Series: Drinking Buddies [2]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-08-14 12:01:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8013007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/j_philly_b/pseuds/j_philly_b
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Snow figures out a way to test whether Regina is still a witch, but she needs Killian's help to carry off her plan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Weighing Options

**Author's Note:**

> Pure unadulterated crack fic that steals liberally from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Vague spoilers for Season 6 if you are avoiding those.

“Explain to me again why I’m here with you not eating and drinking this realm’s pathetic excuse for rum?” Resigned to his fate of sharing yet another liquid supper with Snow, Killian signaled the barman for another drink.  


“We all know that Regina started having problems with her magic after using Jekyll’s formula to destroy the Evil Queen part of herself. What if she’s not a witch anymore because I encouraged her to split herself like that?” Snow sighed in frustration and looked to Killian, “So we have to figure out whether or not she's still a witch. I've been thinking, back when we all lived in the Enchanted Forest, what did we do with witches?”  


Killian merely raised eyebrow and smirked drunkenly in response.  


“Oh for the… You’re my daughter’s true love, do you think you could refrain from the innuendo and help me out here?” Sending a final glare at her companion, Snow looked back down to the list spread out on the bar in front of her, brow drawn in concentration.  


Putting on as serious a face as possible, Killian shrugged, “In my years and travels, I’ve seen far too many witches burned at the stake.”     


“Yes, well we won’t be doing that. But I think I have an idea about how we can test whether Regina is still a witch, I just need your help to carry it out.”  Snow looked back to her list, crossing out a few items and adding some notes. “Ok, now focus, Killian, and follow along. Apart from witches, what else would you burn?”  


“Intentionally? I don’t quite follow where you’re going with this, milady, but certainly sails, ropes, clothes, dried moss will work in a pinch, paper,” warming to the topic, Killian sat up and waved his glass in the air, “meat, we had a terrible cook on the Jolly who would burn every meal, wood, which when you live on a ship is a -”  


“Stop!” Snow held up her hand to stop Killian’s ramblings. “I wanted you to say wood. You burn wood.” Snow started fidgeting in her seat, her eyes bright with excitement, expectation and alcohol, “Just, think about it. If witches burn, and wood burns, then isn’t it logical that witches are made out of wood?”  


Killian drained his glass and slowly lowered his mug to the bar, clearly trying to buy himself some time to consider how he should respond. They both had lost track of how much liquor they had consumed that evening, and Killian was at a loss to pinpoint the exact moment their conversation fell off the edge of the map. Giving up, he turned bodily to face Snow. “Made out of wood,” he repeatedly flatly. “So you’re sitting there, seriously suggesting that Regina, her sister, and your daughter are all made out of wood like that boy-puppet who accompanied Emma to this realm? How much of that whiskey have you had since we’ve been here?”  


Snow visibly deflated at that and swallowed the rest of her drink in one go. “Point taken.”  


Grunting in satisfaction, Killian turned back to the bar and ordered refills for them both. “Tell me, your highness, assuming I was drunk enough to agree with your logic, which we both know would never be possible, other than chopping off a limb to use as kindling, how were you intending to prove that Regina is made of wood?”  


“Oh, well, it doesn’t really matter anymore does it?”  


As Snow moved to cover her list with her hands, Killian reached out with his hook and pulled it in front of him to get a look at what she had been writing all evening. The amount of alcohol consumed may have dulled his senses, but he could still read what appeared to him to be a list of nonsense words. “What is a mallard, or a blue-winged teal? Wait, does that say wood duck?”  


“It’s a list of the waterfowl that are common to this area.”  


“Why?”  


Snow’s head tilted to the side as she looked him straight in the eye. “Because wood floats on water, and so do ducks,” answering his question as if were obvious and he was a fool for asking.  


Putting the list down, Killian signaled once again for the barman. “Rum, two glasses. Leave the bottle, mate.” Once the barman turned away Killian grabbed the bottle and glasses and signaled for Snow to follow him. “If we’re going through with this, we’re going to need help, and I know precisely the men you can ask.”  


*******  


Emma and David got the call two hours later. They could barely hear what Walter was saying over Leroy’s hysterical cries about witches and scales and ducks, but they understood enough to head out to the park to find out the source of the disturbance.  


Of course, nothing could have prepared them for the sight that greeted them when they reached the coin pond. There, standing in water up to his knees was Killian Jones holding a squawking, angry duck under his right arm, while Snow stood on the grass with her arms-crossed yelling at Killian.  


David’s jaw dropped, “Is she yelling at him because the duck he’s holding is too skinny?”  


Emma ignored her father and made her way over to her mother, getting there in time to see Killian emerge from the pond and thrust the protesting duck into Snow’s arms. “What the hell are you two doing? It’s after midnight and you’re kidnapping ducks?!”  


Snow turned to her daughter with a too happy smile, and eyes that practically crossed from the combination of whiskey and rum used to fuel this latest adventure. “Emma, honey! How much do you weigh? Wait, where’s Regina?”  


“How much do I… What?” Emma just shook her head and took a deep breath before attempting, once again, to get to the bottom of why her mother and Killian were catching ducks in the middle of the night.  


By that point David had regained enough of his senses to join them at the side of the pond and grab ahold of Killian’s elbow to keep the man steady on his feet.  


“Nevermind, she can meet us at the docks. Killian figured it out!” The pride in Snow’s voice was evident as she bounced on her feet in triumph, smiling as if this explained everything.  


“Exactly what did you figure out,” Emma asked slowly, mindful of their past drunken adventures and not really looking forward to whatever came next.  


Making the effort to straighten himself up, Killian gestured to the duck still trapped in Snow’s arms, “Why, that the scales at the docks are big enough two weigh Regina and the duck at the same time. Do try to follow along, Swan. I sent the dwarfs off to secure the area so we won’t be interrupted.” He paused with a smug smile before leaning toward Emma, “Except for Bashful, I sent that bloke home. I know how much you despise him.”  


“I don’t despise him, I just don’t… Hey, stop changing the subject!” After a moment to collect herself and mask her growing exasperation, Emma turned to Snow, only to see her nodding along and beaming at Killian. Knowing it was a lost cause, Emma tried once more, “Can one of you please explain the purpose of the duck?”  


“Because we have to see if Regina and the duck are the same weight. How else are we supposed to know if she’s still a witch?” Snow responded. “But you forgot to bring her with you. And what’s the point if you two can’t keep up your end of the plan? We specifically called and asked you to bring her here.”  


“Uh, no. All we got a call from Walter telling us we needed to get down here right away, while Leroy was yelling about something or other in the background as usual,” Emma muttered, looking over to David to gauge his reaction to what they were hearing.  


“I told you those bloody gnomes were useless.”  


“Oh no, don’t start, pirate. It was your idea to use them in the first place!”  


David closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose before pushing Killian in Emma’s direction and grabbing Snow’s shoulder, “Regina is with Henry so she couldn’t come tonight. Why don’t we get you two home and you can explain your plan to all of us in the morning.” David looked to Emma for agreement, but quickly turned away when he saw the way Killian was draped over his daughter.  


Snow sighed in disappointment but nodded and pulled away to walk ahead of the others toward David’s truck.  


“Um, Snow? We can come back for the duck tomorrow. After you’ve explained your plan.” Giving up all pretense, David was openly laughing as he shook his head at his wife’s antics.  


Snow turned to face the other three, adopting a stern look and staring them down as she lowered the duck to the ground, “Leave the duck, take the cannoli.”  


Killian’s head shot up from its spot on Emma’s shoulder when he heard Snow’s parting words. “I know that quote! Swan, I know that quote! Why can’t you quote things that I know like your mother does?!”  


Emma rolled her eyes and tried to hide her smile as she pushed him in the direction of her bug. It was going to be a long night.


End file.
